My husband and I have been together 9 years. We’re both abuse survivors: him childhood physical, me childhood emotional/mental and 2x domestic abuse. Along the way, we were both diagnosed autistic. I need more support than him. He’s supportive when I first talk to him, but his memory is not nearly what it used to be. He’ll forget and always gets upset and offended when I remind him. Lately, when he’s upset with me, he’s been looking at me the same way my father did, the same way my exes (yes, plural. 2.) did– like he despises me, like I disgust him.
I feel like I’m worthless, like no one can stand me and I’m just the…oh, I’m not sure how to word it while following rules here because it’s a quote… “Botch-up”? Replace it with the swear word and you have the quote? Anyway, that my father always told me I was.
When I lived out of my hometown, this never happened. I had a lot of friends and was well-liked. I move home and it’s worse than when I was growing up! I can’t seem to make and keep a single friend and I feel like my husband is, no, has fallen out of love with me and can’t stand me.
I don’t know what to do. Only reason I haven’t up and left is because I have a daughter who needs to stay in the area. And, as she’s special needs, actually requires homeschooling, so I can’t do that and support her on my own.
I’m stuck. And completely clueless as to what to do about it.
I’m new and frustrated.
First of all, welcome to Depression Sanctuary!
It’s completely natural that being back in your home town would bring back all those old memories and feelings of how your father treated you. Could it be that you see those same looks on your husband’s face not because he really feels that way, but because you are back in that same survivor mode that your father caused you to have? Have you been able to sit down with him and say all the things you’ve said here? I know it’s probably scary thinking about what his reaction might be, but at least you could get to the bottom of things and that would help you in deciding how to move forward. It might actually bring you a lot of reassurance too about how he really feels. It’s very possible that he isn’t feeling any of things that you think he is.
Good luck with everything and I hope you’ll check back and let us know how things are going.