This is going to be long and windy, but I really need to get this out there to someone and get some sort of advice. For some background, I am a high school student living in America. I was in an accident when I was about 11, and, a few years later, I began to develop severe depression. I’ve been struggling with it for a long time, but I have a psychiatrist, a therapist, many medications, and my family supporting me. Nevertheless, I have recently been struggling with one thing: suicidal thoughts.
For clarification, I am not in any real danger currently. My family is home, and I do not really have the means to “do” anything with, nor am I really feeling like killing myself currently… sort of. This is where my problem lies: I just constantly feel like death is the better option. No matter what I’m doing, no matter where I am, it’s almost always a nagging thought at the back of my mind. More often than not, it’s not so much “I want to kill myself” as it is “I’m okay if a car were to hit me right now” or “I wish someone would come up and mug me and shoot me”. I know enough about depression to know that that type of thing still constitutes as suicidal thoughts, but, once again, I have no intention of really harming myself.
The problem is that the thoughts are just constantly there, and I am seriously worried about myself. I want to get better, to feel better, normal even, but that’s very hard to do when every time you cross the road, your legs move a little bit slower in vain hopes that some irresponsible driver will knock your corpse into the pavement, or that some crazed gun-wielding maniac will rush into your school just to shoot you. It’s just so constant and omnipresent and it’s really weighing down on me. I know that this isn’t normal or healthy– I really do, I swear! I just… don’t really know how to tackle this kind of issue. My heart feels super heavy every time I think about this, so I really don’t want this to continue, hence why I’m here.
And, just because I feel that this is an important note to consider, I am a multiple attempt survivor… sort of. I tried once two years ago and again a year and a half ago, but both times I “chickened out” (for lack of better term) at the last minute. Both times were attempted overdoses, but I stopped before I could take more than a couple of pills, and the worst thing I felt was drowsiness. Again, I don’t see this happening again anytime soon, as I don’t have the means nor the motive to do so, but I felt that I should put that out there as well.
As for why I’m telling this on an anonymous forum rather than to my family or my therapist… well, it’s kind of complicated. I’ve had similar conversations with my mom and dad before and both times just ended kind of poorly and awkwardly. They tried to help, I know they honestly did, but neither of them has dealt with these kinds of things before, and their advice was shabby at best. My therapist and psychiatrist aren’t really available for me at the moment, either, though I do plan on expressing these thoughts to them the next time I see one of them. I didn’t really see this as urgent enough to need to chat on a crisis text line or anything (once again, not really in danger at the moment) but I did need to get this off of my chest and ask for some serious advice here.
I’m honestly at a loss for what to do. I mean, the therapy and meds are working! My mood has been improved, and I’ve felt pretty productive and good overall! But this one issue has been nagging at me for ages now, and I really just… want to feel better.
Anyway, I’m open to any and all advice and suggestions. I just really, really don’t know what to do.
here is a site that helped me understand how i feel what i feel and why,
Suicide Prevention Lifeline Suicide Prevention Resource Center National Institute of Mental Health HelpGuide.org U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs
It sounds like you are really doing everything right, treatment is working, but just not well enough, correct? That’s not unheard of. Sometimes it takes a different medication or even a combination of medications to get the best effect. Also, depending how long you’ve been on your current medication, it may just not have been long enough. It can take several weeks to feel the full effect. Talking with your psychiatrist is exactly what I would have recommended. I might even suggest printing out exactly what you’ve said here. You’ve articulated everything perfectly and I think your doctor will know exactly what you need. It sounds like you just need your medication regimen tweaked a bit to get you back to 100%. In the meantime, I really hope you’ll join us in the chat room. We have a really good group here of supportive people who can relate to exactly what you are feeling.